Why I’ll never drive

I cannot really pinpoint the reason why I have a phobia for driving- it could have been the fact that the school bus that was meant to get me safely home used me as a speed bump one day in 1987. 

Apparently I was too short for him to know I hadn’t reached the gate to my house safely. ( hmmmm actually I just felt a light bulb lit over my head)

It could have been the fact that as a teenager I witnessed my mom’s car hit someone, luckily it wasn’t fatal!

Or perhaps it’s because my two closest friends decided to give me rides in their cars when they were learners- sorry I meant new drivers (the bulb is now flashing).

So really mystery solved, these reasons combined were probably the cause of my phobia.

I know you are thinking those are flimsy reasons- fair enough but you are not me! I learn from experience and I always link incidents. So if you buy me an ice cream today- I’d link it to the day I saw you drinking a can of coke (get it? Well sorry that’s how my brain works!)

Anyway back to my reasons- over the years I’ve compiled reasons why I don’t want to learn to drive, I’ll discuss each in turn-

Big vehicles

Where do I start? Lorries, white vans, Jeeps- they need to be on a separate road from all other vehicles. That’s all!

Pedestrian

They cannot be trusted, they cross when the light is not the right colour for them to cross, they ignore zebra crossing and cross in the wrong places, sometimes they pop out of nowhere trying to run for buses they won’t catch. 

Drivers

Craziest set of people on earth- they speed up just so the traffic lights don’t stop them, they fiddle with their phones and drive with their feet, some, it seems drive with their eyes closed.

Me

Erm its simple really, I don’t want to drive! In any case I made a pact with my brother and husband, one of them will buy me a car the other will pay for the chauffeur.

I remember after I had my son someone said to me if not for yourself, learn to drive for your son- here is the problem with that- all I can see playing out in my head is this: 

I’m driving down the road; coming from the opposite direction is a lorry driving at 50 mph in a 30 mph zone, there’s a white van driving behind me who is angrily pressing his horn at me because unlike them all I’m following the required speed, wait what’s that- a woman just ran out of nowhere pushing a pram and holding a 5 year old girl, wait is that a fox smiling at me in the middle of the road. And whilst all this is going on my son is shouting “mummy I want sweet, mummy I want sweet”- oh wait my nephew is in the car as well he’s shouting “mummy he wants sweet, mummy he wants sweet” oh I forgot to also mention that my teenage sister is sitting next to me, gossiping with her friend about Mindless behaviour and how cute they are- now she’s laughing hysterically!!!!

NO! NO!! Noooooooooooooooooo! I’m sorry I can’t do it!

Ok- ok- ok I’ll compromise with you, I’ll learn to drive- but only after the most common mode of transport is teleporting. So whilst you are all busy teleporting into strangers houses and merging into each other because you fail to follow the rules, I’ll be a 90 years old learner driver,  and when I get my license I’ll start a motivational tour encouraging people that it’s never too late to face their fears!!